Deal-Breakers: Marriage

Last weekend we had a church event and I ended up at a table with an old friend (old like we went to preschool together).  She was there with her husband.  I hadn't really gotten to talk to her since before her wedding a few years ago.  Somehow we got on the subject of pets, and she cast her husband a meaning-filled dirty look.  Then she looked at me and said something like, "I love him, but he once killed a cat.  I found out about it before our wedding and it was almost a deal-breaker."  And then the two of them launched into (conflicting) accounts of what happened.  Because they were conflicting, I'm not sure what actually went down, but the gist was that he was working maintenance at a summer camp and part of his job was to keep pests out of the compound.  Apparently, there was a stray cat who kept moseying in.  So he killed it.  It was part of his job.  (It should be noted that he is a middle school science teacher.  Knowing many myself, I know that science teachers understand the circle of life and just aren't that worked up in general about animal deaths.  Ours keep dead animals in the freezer to feed to their class pets.  You know.)  She was horrified.  According to her it nearly caused them to break up.  (For the record, I think the world is probably better off with one less cat.  Just saying.)

This conversation has been on my mind since then 1) because it was funny and 2) because it reminded me of how marriage is a meshing of all your lives, not just from the moment of marriage on, or even the moment you met on.  You marry that person's past, family, likes and dislikes - everything about them.  And working through them is all about love and grace.  (*It should be noted that I struggle with this part.  Love and grace is rarely never my first reaction.  But I'm working on it.)

We are beyond blessed for many reasons, but one of them is that we entered marriage with very little baggage.  We started dating when I was fifteen.  We were each other's first and only, and thankfully, we were smart, mature, responsible teenage kids.  We did not go out and party.  We did not have sex.  We did not make ridiculous financial decisions that had us in negative numbers from the start.  Our baggage has been small things, like adjusting to different family practices, for instance.  My family is always the first to leave.  We like to get home early and get to bed early.  His family is one of the last to leave.  They like to be there until the party shuts down.  As a result, I am always wanting to leave early and he is always wanting to stay late.  (Kids cured that, though! Now we always leave early!)  My family regularly discusses life goals, spirituality, struggles, and we often shed tears in front of the other.  My husband did not grow up like this and I think it still weirds him out a little when it happens.  But he has the love and grace thing down.  He understand that this is how we relate to and support each other, and while it isn't his thing, he loves and affirms us anyway.

We have nothing like a friend of mine who married a man with a (crazy) ex-wife and two kids.  Or another friend whose husband had so much debt when they got married that now, eight years later, they are still struggling to pay it off, and every financial decision they make has to be viewed through the lens of those bad financial choices.  I admire these women greatly for their abilities to extend love and grace and absorb these problems into their marriage as problems, not road-blocks or "deal-breakers."

But I am thankful that God didn't call me to do it. :)