As you may have guessed, I have some specific issues - some certain things I just can't seem to overcome. And why? Why do I feel this need to hold on to anger? To hurts? To fears? These are the things that destroy, not the things that build up. These are barriers, roadblocks, poison to relationships, family, the heart. My heart.
This revelation has taken several years. (I've mentioned my tendency to be slow on the uptake...this is a prime example.) It's taken my husband's countless, loving reminders. It's taken friends like Kristin and Lindsey who handle similar situations with forgiveness, grace, and love, refusing to let things, whether big or small, hold them back. It's taken sermon after sermon after sermon about this plank in my eye for me to recognize that it is, indeed, a plank in my eye. A massive barrier between me and what's right. And I've tried to overcome it - BELIEVE ME, I have tried. But my tactics have always been poor. Until about a month ago.
I can't really explain this well without giving details, so I'll just say this: up until then, my approach has been to try doing things. Do this, do that, do this again, do that again. And when it wouldn't work, I'd try it again. And again. And again. It was incredibly wearing and SO frustrating because it was yielding absolutely zero in the way of results. And it was leaving me emotionally exhausted. And then, one day, there was what we in education like to call "a light bulb" or an "ah-hah!" moment. It's that moment when the kid gets it. And I realized my problem. It was like I was back in high school and hacking away at the same stupid math problem and getting the wrong answer every single stinking time. And then Mrs. Lane just sits down and says, "try this" and it's like the heavens open and angels descend with the "Hallelujah Chorus" loud on their lips. I GET IT.
The simple answer? I cannot do. I must choose.
I have to decide to let it go. No amount of doing is ever going to make things right. I could do until the end of time and nothing will change until I choose to
Let.
It.
Go.
I took a moment to choose to let it go. But I am finding it is not a one-time decision. Every time anger and resentment rear their ugly heads (which seems to happen a lot over the holidays), I have to choose to let it go. Because the issue is with my heart - an internal struggle that could never be won externally, like I had been fighting it.
And in realizing this, I can't help but draw this parallel; we can do our entire lives and never be worthy of God's grace. We could feed every poor person, house every homeless person, give away every dime we possess, learn all there is to know about God and never ever earn God's favor. Because God's favor cannot be earned. We are too flawed. Too damaged. Too in need of redemption. We don't have an external issue - we have an internal issue. But God loved us enough to not let us stay that way. So he sent his Son to restore us. To change us. To right us.
But we must choose.
Christmas really is the most wonderful time of the year - a time to remember, and be forever thankful, that Perfect God loved sinful man enough to give us the Gift of His Son and then allow us the choice to confess and believe, or to go on living life as if
what
we
do
matters.
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