Teaching Year #7: New Direction

Looking at my job as a life mission is hard when I have a child at home.  I have mentioned this in so many words before.  Since my son was born nearly three years ago, my outlook on my job has become...well, dispassionate.  My focus went from my job to my family (nothing wrong with that), but I overshot it when I somehow convinced myself I would not be happy unless I stayed home.

The truth?  God doesn't want my happiness - he wants my holiness.  He wants me to obey Him, not me.  Our pastor preached about this last year and it has been all over me ever since.  You mean, God doesn't want me to be happy? (No, that's not what that means.) You mean, I am not going to get to achieve this life dream of staying home with my kids? (Again, not what that means.) You mean, God is going to call me to live in misery?  (Haven't you spent your entire life in church as a student of who God is?  Don't you know Him any better than that?)  I've tried to get rid of it, to convince myself that it doesn't apply to my life,  or (better yet) to find a place in scripture to refute that claim, but there is no escape.  This is a truth that has been VERY hard to swallow. 
 After this summer, I have realized - fully - that obedience:

1. Hurts - but only for a little while.  When we moved to Lawrence, we were following God's clear direction.  But that didn't make it hurt any less.  However, once there, I fell in love with the city, the people, the grocery stores - all of it.  Was I happy initially?  No.
2. Brings about true joy.  Lawrence was where we belonged - at least for that short point in our lives.  Once I got over my own hurt and frustration, I learned more, grew more, and loved more than I ever had before.  I was obeying, and, in short, God was making me holy.
3. Is a choice.  I have to choose to be obedient.  Circumstance can force it upon me, but until I choose to embrace it, I am just like my two-year-old - scowling at the world from the time-out chair, raising my chin and refusing to see that obedience
4. Brings freedom.  I have carried this burden of wishing things were different for the past three years.  If I can just surrender this, and embrace that my life is the way it is because God has ordained it that way, wouldn't things get easier? Wouldn't I have joy? Wouldn't I be...happy?

Yes.

Being passionate about my job - about my kids - does not mean I am loving my family less.  God wants me to experience joy, but His joy, not mine.  Mine is frail, shabby, and has no sticking power.  His is real and forever.  Being obedient now doesn't mean I am surrendering my life dream of staying home with my kids.  It's just not happening now.  And if I'm living in misery, it's of my own doing.

Armed with this knowledge, I am a different teacher this year.  I am remembering how I felt in my first few years, when bright, smiling - or better yet - indifferent, despondent, even angry faces, were a challenge I couldn't wait to get my hands on.  I am remembering what it feels like to invest in young people and begin to see the fruits of my labor.  And I am remembering that I am in this building with these co-workers teaching these kids because the God of the Universe has made it so.

Who am I to disobey?