The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

This weekend, I crossed a major threshold.  I'm 5'8" and have always been on the thick side.  I can't remember ever being in single-digit sizes in high school (but I also went through a phase where I wore clothes that were too big for me on purpose :).  I can pretty much say that I'm a size 8.

At 146.8, I weigh less than I have ever weighed as an adult, and probably before that.

Don't get me wrong - I am stoked about this - but as I've pondered my new-found "skinner"-ness, I have concluded that there are good things, bad things, and straight up ugly things about this, and some of them may be things you would never think.

GOOD:

• Meeting goals.  *Insert pat on back*
• I look better.
• I feel better.
• I'm not constantly thinking, "When I lose weight," or "When I start exercising" or "When I get healthy" - I'm already there :)
• I am in control. This is totally out of context, but 1st Corinthians 9:27a says, "No, I beat my body and make it my slave..."  In the passage, Paul is using the analogy of training for a race to speak to the Corinthians about spreading the gospel.  But I can't tell you how many times I have quoted this verse to myself making myself go farther and push harder, forcing my body to do what I know it can.
• People are noticing and complimenting me. And that's always nice. :)

BAD:

• I'm colder.  I don't know if this is because the forty pounds I used to carry around made me warmer, or because I've been doing yoga in a hot room and my body is more used to the heat, or what.  But I'm FREEZING.  Getting into my hot car at the end of the day is sheer pleasure.  I only turn the air conditioner on when my son gets in the car.
• It's less comfortable to lay on the ground, or any hard surface for that matter.  At yoga, you lay on your stomach for some posses and your back for others.  My hips have only skin between my bones and the floor.  I have never minded sitting on the floor, but I do now.
• It hurts to carry the car seat.  I hold the car seat with one of my arms and it hits me right at my hips, where I use my body to help make my arms not have to work so hard.  We just switched her to a big girl seat, so this is less of an issue now, but certainly one I noticed!
• (the big one) I CAN'T EAT WHATEVER I WANT ANYMORE.  Duh.  This is inconvenient, expensive, and often, no fun.  And when I forget to plan ahead, or when we go out, I am faced with a choice to either 1) not eat, or 2) pick the best bad option.  It's a toss-up as to what I go with, though lately, as I've gotten closer to my goal, I've granted myself grace and done more of the best bad option.

UGLY

• There is still flab.  A friend of mine has also lost a large amount of weight. She has met her goal already, but she was telling me how she thought that flab would just magically disappear.  But it hasn't - she's just a smaller person with flab now.  I have noticed this, too.  I can definitely still pinch sections of flab (though before it would have been "grab handfuls of").  It's not pretty.  Hmm.
• I still don't like to work out.  I like going to yoga, and I tolerate walking, but I don't like physical exertion.  It's hard for me to believe that anyone likes this.  I've gotten used to it because I'm in the habit of forcing myself to do things I don't want to (a GREAT habit, btw, and one I hope I never lose), but I don't like it.
• I have my food moments.  They occur most often when I am baking for someone else - breads, cakes, cookies - anything with doughs or batters.  Last night I made cookie dough and used a cookie scoop to shape the cookies for the freezer.  And then I used the cookie scoop to scoop some for myself.  Did I need this?  No, and even if I did, one little bite would have sufficed.  But no - I needed some scoops.  Several, in fact.  Ugly.

But I am SO taking it.  And aside from the health benefits, the actual act of setting a goal this mammoth and then taking it down does amazing things for your self-concept.  And it's tempting to think "Yay, me!"  I did this.  I deserve the credit and the glory.  But the truth is that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).  It's only by HIS grace that I have come this far.

What's Next?
I am excited to end this chapter of my efforts and focus the same energy on other areas of my life.  I want to begin to prepare healthy meals for my whole family, not just me.  I want to reestablish a daily time to connect with God through study of His Word and prayer.  I want to make teaching my children a priority instead of just using "teachable moments" as they come.  I want to do SO MANY things, and now, for the first time in years, I FEEL LIKE I CAN ACTUALLY DO THEM!