Graduate School

The decision to start graduate school has been long in coming. As soon as Husband finished school three years ago, the plan was for me to do my Master's. I dragged my feet for two reasons: 1) we were working hard to become debt-free, and 2) I didn't know exactly what I wanted to study. The truth is that the options are pretty limited for educators: administration (which is all the worst parts of my job and none of the fun ones), counseling (I already spend too much time at school), curriculum & instruction (standards, outcomes, benchmarks, belch), or library sciences. The latter sounds fun, but the truth is it's mostly about research and technology (not about books), and schools are CUTTING library staff, not hiring them. So as I have considered my options over the years, I discovered something that sounds bad to admit as a teacher, and that is that I don't love the field of education. I love my job because of relationships with kids and my content area, and the academic field of education focuses on neither. I have always known it does not get my heart pumping, and now that it came time to decide on a degree, I just couldn't pledge myself to 30+ credit hours of educational study about which I wasn't wholly passionate. I decided, with some trepidation, to do my graduate work in English.

I considered two major universities in the area. The first call I made did not go well. The woman was incredibly impatient and didn't seem to have time for my questions. To her credit, she did apologize midway through the conversation with "I'm sorry - I realize I'm talking to you like you're a second grader. I didn't get much sleep last night." Not exactly professional, and while conversation was smoother after that, I definitely got a negative vibe from her, the department, and the school. I called the second university and got right through to the dean of the department, who not only took time to dialogue with me as if I was an adult, but seemed enthusiastic about my interest and encouraged me to ask questions. I hung up the phone with no question as to which institution I would be attending.

I got my application in order, turned in all my letters of recommendation, and received approval shortly thereafter. I met face-to-face with the dean the following month to discuss the program. His office was covered with books (obviously), maps, and photographs from all over the world. Turns out we've been to some of the same places abroad, and he was interested in our upcoming trip to Singapore. I felt it was safe to say we hit it off!

The course plan is BEAUTIFUL because there are so many options and so much freedom to choose. There are obviously required classes, but most are personal choice as long as the literature studied falls within a certain time period. We settled on "Rhetorical Theory & Teaching," an online class that didn't seem as fun as some of the others, but responsible, nonetheless, and a face-to-face class taught by the dean himself called "King Arthur in Literature and Film."

I began both classes on Monday, July 3rd. I didn't breathe freely again until I turned in my last paper (54 pages) on July 23rd. I knew grad school was going to be work, but OHMYGOODNESS. I thought I worked hard in undergrad, but the truth is (as any education major can tell you), the degree itself isn't all that hard. It's hoop-jumping, I-dotting, T-crossing type of work. The hardest class I had in undergrad was, in fact, an English class, not an education class.

I felt out-of-my-league for sure when completed the first assignment for my online class. I was the first to post on the discussion board (the assignment was to introduce myself). Since I don't know anyone or anything, I kept it brief, name, where I live, that I'm a teacher. The replies started pouring in, and most of the women (not a single man) were high school teachers or college professors re-certifying. I'm pretty sure I was the only person who didn't teach at either of those levels. The textbook reading was awful and dry and long and complicated, and even though I know this stuff (it was essentially the writing process), it was difficult and exhausting to try to trudge through the scholarly prose, much of which was ancient Greek philosophy that made my eyes cross. The good news is I worked my tail end off and earned a 99.4%. The bad news is that it was truly awful.

But my face-to-face class. MY FACE-TO-FACE CLASS. It was so glorious. It moved at a pace I was completely unprepared for. I bought the 600-page textbook, but I didn't realize we'd be cramming all 600 pages into two-and-a-half weeks! I hired baby-sitters. I went to McDonald's and let the kids play in the play area for like three hours. I stayed up PAST TEN O'CLOCK. I ignored my family and friends. I spent every spare moment reading. I read particularly obscure parts of the text into my phone and then listened to them on the commute. I found LibriVox (GOD BLESS LIBRIVOX) and listened to other translations. I read the entire textbook in under three weeks. I took PAGES of notes in my brand-spanking new Vera Bradley notebook. In short, I worked harder at school than I ever have in my life. The first day I was assigned a 45-minute presentation for the following week over an old, authorless 12th century text. I spent tens of hours researching, busted out my Prezi skills, and practiced, practiced, practiced. We took unannounced quizzes every few days, and I prepared ardently. And the truth is...I loved every second of it. I found Arthur fascinating. I loved reading the various interpretations of his stories. I loved analyzing the patterns in the literature, the language, the form, the prose. I loved listening to the lectures about the time period and learning more about the Roman conquest and resulting empire. I have always loved movies, and watching them (which included INDIANA JONES, GUYS), was actually my least favorite part of the class. My professor was not fond of returning grades or the Internet, so I don't know precisely how I did on my presentation or my final, but my quizzes averaged a 92% and my midterm earned a 98%. When I turned my final paper in, he said, "Well, unless this is absolute garbage, I'm pretty sure you know what your grade will be."

If I had wondered whether I made the right decision, pursuing English instead of education, it was settled unequivocally this summer. The teaching class, although it was second-nature and much easier than the other, made me want to stab my eyes out. I dreaded the reading and the work. The Arthur class, instead of making me want to read less, made me want to read more. Instead of satisfying my curiosity, it multiplied it. Instead of being relieved it was over, I was disappointed. And while I'm sure every class won't be like this one - I'm sure there will be plenty more like my online class - I am looking forward to the rest of the program with great and eager excitement.

Final Project

I co-lead a connect group this summer at church. It was a great experience, mainly because we had a small, tight group and we really dug in to deep, rich, real stuff. Our final project of sorts was to take all we had learned about the lineage and history of Jesus and write Jesus' "I'm From" poem. (If you are unfamiliar with this type of writing, check it out.) Writing has always been very therapeutic for me, but this experience was different. I wrote it one night after I'd gotten up with a kid who had promptly rolled over and gone back to sleep. I did some research, made some lists, and did some brainstorming. I tried to touch on specific people and events without naming names. And in the process, I was reminded yet again how incredible and relate-able and even unbelievable this Story is.

I am from manger hay and swaddling cloth.

From lilies of the valley, from olive trees and mustard seeds.

From oil lamps and bushels, cedar and sawdust, chisel and ax.

From builders and soldiers,

From shepherds and kings,

From carpenters and commanders of armies.

I am from the garden, the mountain, the river, the reeds,

I am from hillsides and pastures and deserts,

From cloaks and sandals and dust.

From parting waters

tumbling walls

nighttime sun.

I am from My Father’s House.

I am from the master and the enslaved,

the brave and the coward,

the envious and the envied,

deceiver and deceived.

From anger and fear, from spirit and courage and heart - the sort it takes to

build an ark,

kill a giant,

face lions,

walk through fire,

bear a cross.

I am from doubters and thieves, fleers and prisoners,

From dreamers, wanderers, schemers,

From the faithless and the faithful,

Devout and doubt.

I am from My Father, who

Loves the loveless

Restores the hopeless,

Rescues the abandoned,

Comforts the grieving,

Makes brave the coward,

Makes right the sinner,

Saves

The

Lost.

I am from the very beginning, when my Father first called the world into being.

And I am from the very end, when, through Him, all the wrongs will

forever

be

made

right.

Book: I Will Carry You

I Will Carry You

by Angie Smith

Length: 224

Format: Paperback
Price: $1 at a garage sale

How I heard about it: I attended a conference a few years ago where the author was the keynote speaker.

Basic Premise: Angie Smith and her husband Todd were eagerly anticipating the birth of their daughter when a routine sonogram went horribly wrong. Told that their daughter was "incompatible with life," the two pressed forward knowing that, while Their God was capable of working a miracle, He might not.

I'm not going to write a review of this book. It didn't even feel like a book in my hands. It felt like I stepped out of my life and into theirs for the three straight hours it took me to read it cover to cover. I hope it's not irreverent to say that, because of course I have no idea what it is like to be where they are.

I feel like I know Angie a little. I heard her speak (powerfully) at a conference, I follow her on Facebook and Instagram, and I am currently on my third trip through her Seamless study. Additionally, I saw her husband Todd, lead singer of the musical group Selah, perform WAAAAAAY back in 1998 in Colorado. He sang "It Is Well with My Soul" a cappella, and I remember thinking, I will never hear anyone sing this beautifully ever again this side of heaven. It was truly the most amazing thing ever. What talent. So, between all these things, I feel like I can trust them. Like I know them.

The story was told beautifully, gracefully, and honestly. They were told she wouldn't make it and advised to terminate the pregnancy. Everywhere they went, the faces of the medical professionals they encountered were grave, stricken, often teary. They knew the prognosis was not good; impossible. But they also new they served a God who specialized in impossibility. Their hope was in Him, not in doctors. This part resonated with me.

With both my pregnancies, I was told my babies had problems. With Brother, we were told at 18 weeks that he was missing a strand of his umbilical cord. This could be inconsequential, or he could die. I remember Googling the condition incessantly (which I do not recommend) and lying on my bed crying and wailing because this could not be happening to my sweet son. I remember the week between getting this news and the Level 2 sonogram with the specialist as the longest of my life (to that point). My mother prayed ardently for a miracle and I did too, but I was angry. When the doctor pronounced him "perfect in every way," I cried immediately and for the duration of the drive home from Kansas City. 

Sister was harder. At 30 weeks, something was seriously wrong. My fluid level was below the safety zone and I was sent to labor and delivery after what was supposed to be a routine sonogram. I was admitted and kept for 5 days while the doctors tried to figure out why my fluid level was so inexplicably low. A neonatal surgeon came in to explain to me what would happen in the now-likely event I needed to deliver early. After 4 weeks of bedrest, it was determined that the womb was no longer a safe place for our baby, so they delivered her six weeks early. She was to spend the longest 19 days of our lives in the hospital hooked up to all sorts of machines. Her lungs were too small, heart beat too fast and then not fast enough, she couldn't eat, she couldn't regulate her body temperature, there was a spot on her brain - so much more.

But the difference for me was that my babies are fine. It was ultimately easy to trust God, because things worked out the way I wanted. And this is where my ability to identify with Angie and Todd fades, because their story didn't go as they would have written it.

I probably cried for 40% of this book. I cried out of compassion and sympathy, but also out of awe at their faith. Angie writes that she found comfort in the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, and though I have literally read or heard this story 100 times before, she made one note that floored me.

One of the most popular verses in Scripture is John 11:35 "Jesus wept." I can recall this from memory because it is discussed often in church-y circles. The boys in my youth group loved to recall this as their "favorite verse" because it was short and they actually had it memorized. I knew the context, and knew that Jesus was weeping because his friend Lazarus had died. But here's what I never realized: Jesus knew what was going to happen. He knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. His tears were not for Lazarus. They were for Mary and Martha. He felt their pain and suffering as if it were His. And He longs to grieve alongside us if we will only turn to Him.

How many times have I done the opposite in the face of hardship? I get angry and selfish and question His goodness. (Although, God knows I have never dealt with anything that can even hold a candle to this.) He longs to not only bear my burdens for me, but bear ME. Carry me. Why don't I let Him?

I will end with one final piece of beauty from this book. I just finished The Hiding Place, and I highlighted a passage I loved. Corrie is a young girl and she has just asked her father a question she doesn't understand. It that reads like this:

He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifting his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.

 "Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said.

I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.

"It's too heavy," I said.

 "Yes," he said. "And I would be a pretty poor father who would ask his daughter to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you an bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you." 

 And I was satisfied. More than satisfied - wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions - for now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping.

I have shared this passage with several people since reading it, because it made an impression - something I can share with my children, but also, something I can claim when I stumble upon mysteries of God and this world that I just can't reconcile. I can leave them in My Father's keeping, because He is wise and good and He can bear the weight.

Near the end of the book, when Angie was trying to explain to her children what had happened to their sister, she quotes this exact passage. Because though she can't understand it, she trusts the Father Who does.

What a Mighty God we serve.

Spectacle

This summer, I went to the hospital to see Lindsey and her new baby. On my way out, my feet kind of steered themselves off the elevator and on to the second floor, down the narrow, windowed hall, past the stairway to the long hall that lead to the NICU. I sat down on one of the benches and stared through the glass doors and into the ward. I smelled the familiar smells. I watched the familiar sight of parents walking by and going through the drill. Sign in. Stick the thermometer under your tongue. Record the reading. Hand-sanitize. Get your key and go see your baby, hoping and praying with every step that she is well. I wondered how early their baby was.

And despite my best efforts to keep myself together, I sat on the bench and cried. I cried for my Lucy. I cried for the woman I was and the man my husband was then. I cried for the parents who were in the throes of this struggle. And I cried for their babies. And in any other setting, I might have made a spectacle of myself, but here, seeing someone you don't know in tears is just part of NICU culture. Because when your newborn looks like this, it's hard to hear even the doctors and nurses over all your worry. You can't see it in the picture, but Lucy has an IV in her head. (There's a hole in the hat, which I kept.) That thing on her face is called a bubble C-pap. There is also a feeding tube running up her nose. The sensor things taped to her torso are measuring breathing or blood flow or something. There is a blood pressure cuff on her foot and I can't remember what that thick tube in the back is for.

Last week, as a part of our connect group story, I read John 9:1-3:

As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth. "Rabbi," his disciples asked him, "why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents' sins?" "It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins," Jesus answered. "This happened so the power of God could be seen in him."

 So the power of God could be seen in her.

October 22, 2012, after a 19-day stay in the NICU, we took Lucy home. Within a year, she was caught up with her peers in size, and within two years, she was caught up with them entirely. And from the very moment of her birth, she has been a testament to the power of God.

Keep that up, Lucy Jean.

Even the Two-Year-Old Gets It

Last week, Sister and I stole an hour together. (And I use the word "stole" literally...we ditched the boys and sneaked out of the house.) We headed out, she in the stroller and I pushing her, trying to psych myself up for an ambitious FOUR miles in one hour. (Didn't happen, BTW.) About two minutes into our walk, Lucy stops me and says, "Mommy, it's time to pray."

"Huh?" I say. My mind is not on her. I've been pretty preoccupied lately with all the happenings that have victimized African Americans and homosexuals in the news lately. Maybe it's on the state of our nation, the state of the church, the seeming split of custom and culture, and people on their freaking high horses about how people should or shouldn't be living their lives. I have been reading just about everything I can get my ehands on and my mind is in overdrive. "What, baby?"

"A siren, Mommy. Let's pray."

Brief back-story: every time I hear a siren, I pray. I started doing this when I was in college. I thank God for people whose job it is to respond when people call for help, I ask him to give them speed and wisdom, and I pray for those who are in trouble. When I had kids, I started doing it out loud with them.

As we were walking, I didn't even HEAR the siren. But my TWO-YEAR-OLD did! And she responded with prayer. Cue the mommy heart-swell. Pat yourself on the back, Mom. You have this spiritual guidance thing DOWN. Wait - let's take it a step further.

"Excellent thought, Sister. Why don't YOU pray?" That's right. Let's give her some experience with independent prayer right after it was her idea. That will really teach her. Yep. She will be a regular prayer DIVA.

"Okay," she says, and I stoop a little to be sure to catch what she says, because unlike my son, who tends to say the same basic thing every time, Lucy is a pray-by-the-seat-of-your-pants sort of girl. And so she begins:

"Dear Jesus, please take care of my people. They are in trouble."

She didn't stop there. She rambled on and on in her adorable and utterly indecipherable two-year-old-tongue. But I stopped there. MY PEOPLE. I was stuck on her word choice - not "the people" or "those people" - MY PEOPLE. I thought about how beautiful it is to think of total strangers as MY PEOPLE. I thought about how perfect and innocent and genuine and REAL her compassion was. These people are strangers, but not to her. They are HER PEOPLE. She really IS a prayer diva! (wink wink)

In the days that followed, I was mindful - almost haunted by this phrase MY PEOPLE. As I read story after story, opinion after opinion, angry blogger after angry blogger, hurt soul after hurt soul, it was almost like God was whispering MY PEOPLE to me over and over and over again.

The thing is, Jesus wasn't vague about what He wanted from His followers. In fact, someone asked Him point blank:

“Teacher, which command in God’s Law is the most important?”
Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.'
 - Matthew 22:36-38 (MSG)

And just a few chapters later, He says this:

"'I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.’

“Then those ‘sheep’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’ - Matthew 25:26-40 (emphasis mine)

Love me. Love MY PEOPLE. It's not complicated.
Even the two-year-old gets it.
Thirty-one-year-old, learn from her. Stop thinking. Stop philosophizing. Stop rationalizing. Stop complicating.

Start
loving.

Psalms & Proverbs

One of my personal goals for 2015 was to read the Bible every single day. I didn't really want to attempt a "Read the Bible in a Year" plan because I've tried those in the past and not had a lot of success. I start off really gung ho and Genesis is a really interesting book. So is Exodous. Right around the third chapter of Leviticus, my mind starts to wander, and you can pretty much forget Numbers. By Deuteronomy, I've completely abandoned the quest.

So instead, I decided to try to read whole books, a little at a time. I found study using the YouVersion app (PS - this is the GREATEST. APP. EVER.) of the entire books of Psalms and Proverbs in 30 days. I Facebooked a bunch of my friends from church to see if anybody wanted to go through the study with me in the month of January. Several did, so we started on January 1. And it was awesome. I've never read these two books together, but doing so was a nice way to revisit familiar texts. When the study ended, I knew I needed to do another. After browsing the plans, I found one that took the reader through all four of the Gospels in 30 days. I notified my group, and we set a course to read all four Gospels in the month of February. We've been meeting on Sunday mornings in between services to discuss, and now it looks like we may be offering a similar study as a Connect Group this summer. That has me really excited, because I love the idea of doing a complete study on the Bible, rather than marriage, or finances. That's not to say that studies on marriage and finances are not extremely valuable, I just like the idea of digging into and reading the Bible as a whole text. It also keeps my task-oriented mind focused with a to-do list!

Upward - Reflection

This year, I coached Upward basketball, just like I did two years ago.  Only this year, I also added "Commissioner" to my title.

And it was AWESOME.  I still don't know anything about basketball.  I still forgot to send emails, left names off the list of people I DID manage to send emails to, had to send people running in all directions to get stuff I forgot, and have a LONG list of things I will do differently next time.  But, just as in teaching, it's really not about all the details, it's about the kids.

And Lindsey and I had one GREAT group of kids.  But before I start on the kids, I need to brag on Lindsey.  She is such an awesome basketball coach.  She was patient, kind, and able to give the kids actual basketball instruction at the tender ages of 4, 5, and 6.  And, she somehow kept track in her head of how the kids did each game.  I told her I was thinking of carrying a clipboard and writing down every time a kid passed or took a shot, and then she rattled off the names of everyone who passed and took a shot.  Whaaaaaat?  How does she do that?

We had eight boys and one feisty girl.  I mean it when I say feisty - she was all over that ball and by far the most aggressive player on our team.  We had one adorable 4-year-old who was just so stinking cute, even though he couldn't dribble or shoot.  I could tell several stories about these kids, but I'll limit myself to just this one...Joey.  I'll call him that just so I don't break any confidentiality codes.  We had heard ahead of time that Joey was kind of a pain - didn't listen, wouldn't follow directions, etc, and while he never misbehaved, it was clear he wasn't into basketball.  He was glad when he got to sit on the bench, always wanted to head for the water fountain, and never really did much with the ball when he had it.  In short, he reminded me of what I would have been like if I had played basketball at his age.

At devotion time, we learned about three virtues over the course of the season - honesty, patience, and kindness.  Since music is how I best learn, I taught the kids a silly song about the fruits of the spirit based on Galatians 5:22 (the video version is slightly different than what I taught them, but you get the idea).  As the kids were preparing for Awards night on Sunday, our very last meeting of the season, the director, killing time before it was our turn to go down to the gym, asked if anyone wanted to come up and sing a song.  Joey's hand SHOT into the air.  Bryan called him up, and that boy sang the ENTIRE song into the microphone. With gusto.  And that's a lot of words for a little kindergartner.  And when he was done, he literally JUMPED into my arms and squeezed tight.  I wish I could post the video I got of him singing.  It was adorable, and it made me tear up, thinking and hoping that this song might be something he remembers after he has forgotten where the baseline is, or how to bounce pass, or to keep his elbows down when he shoots.  Because Upward isn't just about basketball - it's about loving kids, and showing them that Jesus loves them, too.

Looking forward to next year.

12 Days of Reflection - #12 Let. It. Go.

As a result of my excellent memory, my overly-analytical nature, and my many insecurities, I often find it difficult to let things go.  This is utterly baffling to my husband.  He is constantly telling me to "let it go."  I've come to really really hate this expression.  Over the years, I have tried various forms of "letting it go" only to end up more hurt and frustrated than I was when I started.  I feel like me and "letting it go" are in an ongoing wrestling match.

As you may have guessed, I have some specific issues - some certain things I just can't seem to overcome.  And why?  Why do I feel this need to hold on to anger? To hurts? To fears?  These are the things that destroy, not the things that build up.  These are barriers, roadblocks, poison to relationships, family, the heart.  My heart.

This revelation has taken several years.  (I've mentioned my tendency to be slow on the uptake...this is a prime example.)  It's taken my husband's countless, loving reminders.  It's taken friends like Kristin and Lindsey who handle similar situations with forgiveness, grace, and love, refusing to let things, whether big or small, hold them back.  It's taken sermon after sermon after sermon about this plank in my eye for me to recognize that it is, indeed, a plank in my eye.  A massive barrier between me and what's right.  And I've tried to overcome it - BELIEVE ME, I have tried.  But my tactics have always been poor.  Until about a month ago.

I can't really explain this well without giving details, so I'll just say this: up until then, my approach has been to try doing things.  Do this, do that, do this again, do that again.  And when it wouldn't work, I'd try it again.  And again.  And again.  It was incredibly wearing and SO frustrating because it was yielding absolutely zero in the way of results.  And it was leaving me emotionally exhausted.  And then, one day, there was what we in education like to call "a light bulb" or an "ah-hah!" moment.  It's that moment when the kid gets it.  And I realized my problem.  It was like I was back in high school and hacking away at the same stupid math problem and getting the wrong answer every single stinking time.  And then Mrs. Lane just sits down and says, "try this" and it's like the heavens open and angels descend with the "Hallelujah Chorus" loud on their lips.  I GET IT.

The simple answer? I cannot do.  I must choose.

I have to decide to let it go.  No amount of doing is ever going to make things right.  I could do until the end of time and nothing will change until I choose to
Let.
It.
Go.

I took a moment to choose to let it go.  But I am finding it is not a one-time decision.  Every time anger and resentment rear their ugly heads (which seems to happen a lot over the holidays), I have to choose to let it go.  Because the issue is with my heart - an internal struggle that could never be won externally, like I had been fighting it.

And in realizing this, I can't help but draw this parallel; we can do our entire lives and never be worthy of God's grace.  We could feed every poor person, house every homeless person, give away every dime we possess, learn all there is to know about God and never ever earn God's favor.  Because God's favor cannot be earned.  We are too flawed.  Too damaged.  Too in need of redemption.  We don't have an external issue - we have an internal issue.  But God loved us enough to not let us stay that way.  So he sent his Son to restore us.  To change us.  To right us.

But we must choose.

Christmas really is the most wonderful time of the year - a time to remember, and be forever thankful, that Perfect God loved sinful man enough to give us the Gift of His Son and then allow us the choice to confess and believe, or to go on living life as if
what
we
do
matters.

12 Days of Reflection - #9 FPU

 Decision #9 - Enrolling in the Financial Peace University class at church.

I have talked about this several times, but I cannot get over what a huge impact this one little decision has had on our finances, our marriage, and our lives, really.  It might seem dramatic to say it that way, but it's so true.  We have learned so much in these past few months, and not just about money.  I think we will look back in 20 years and call this a turning point for our family.  Details here.

12 Days of Reflection - #8: Work

 Decision #8 - Return to work in August.

I don't know that this qualifies as a decision, per se - I really had no option in this case.  But I'm including it because I made a choice to want to return to work.

I have no qualms about calling last school year the worst and most difficult of my career.  It started on September 5th when I went on bed rest and missed nearly three months of key time with my students.  It resumed on December 3rd when I returned to work.  I had just experienced one of the most trying and difficult times of my life with the birth of my premature baby, and here I return to school with the most challenging group of kids with which I'd ever dealt.  But I can't blame it all on the kids. I was tired, emotionally exhausted, and, to be frank, grouchy.  I was struggling with kids, co-workers, changes in my curriculum, and, as the end of the year approached, the realization that my best friend and closest co-worker was going to be leaving me.  Cap the whole experience with a perfect summer with my kiddos, and you end up with me really really really wishing I didn't have to go back to work.  Dreading August 6th.

So after a brief time of mourning, I made a decision.  I was going to be excited about the school year.  No more of this wishing things were different.  It wouldn't change anything and it just served to sour my mood.  So I decided to be excited about the school year.  I just reread the blog post I wrote right before the beginning of the school year.  I think I sound more excited than I actually was, but it worked.  It was a very good decision because my heart is in the right place, and one of the goals I wrote down was "be content to bloom (happily, not grudgingly) where God has placed me."  And, even though this year has been full of unexpected happenings and frustrations in its own right, I am trying to remember that my only real job is to love kids, and, unfortunate though it may be, I think that's where the biggest change has taken place.  I tend to get so caught up in the extra stuff that comes with teaching, but this is where my heart needs to be.  And it's a lot easier to do when I'm not fighting against the circumstance.

12 Days of Reflection - #2: Discipleship

Decision #2 - I will actively participate in discipleship with a godly mentor.

I was going to start this post out with the definition of discipleship.  I googled "discipleship definition" and found, well, a ton of stuff.  Apparently, people comprehend a great deal in the term, and it was difficult to narrow it down to one succinct definition.  So here's what I came up with:

discipleship - n. the act of helping another grow by walking through life together

Not the greatest, so I'll elaborate.

As 2013 kicked off, I was feeling totally overwhelmed by my life.  I have been around enough to know that I needed someone - a 3rd party in my life to help inspire me, encourage me, push me, challenge me, and hold me accountable.  I prayed about someone and almost instantly, God brought Jennifer to my mind.  I first met her several years ago when I had her kind and brilliant daughter in my class.  She and her family began attending our church and one day, maybe two years ago, she saw me at church and casually asked how I was doing.  The floodgates flew open.  I was tired.  I was stressed.  My house was a disaster.  We'd eaten take-out every night that week.  I was about to kill, like, 8 kids at school.  She listened, nodded, and told me she'd pray for me.  She walked away and I felt like an idiot.  She had probably expected me to say "Fine, and you?" But no - I complained her ear off for 15 minutes.  The next day, I had an email in my inbox.  It was full of encouragement, affirmation, recipes, time-saving ideas for the kitchen, ways to involve my son in cleaning the house, on and on and on.  I couldn't believe that this near-stranger had taken so much time and energy to respond so completely to my ramblings.  It meant so much to me that I printed it off, glued it in my prayer notebook, and highlighted things I wanted to remember.  I have gone back to it several times.

So when her face popped into my head, I got really excited.  She is a wife like me, a mom like me, a teacher like me, a details person like me - and most importantly, she is someone I want to be like. I pulled out the laptop and typed a Facebook message to her asking if she'd be interested in meeting with me.  She said she would love to.

Since then, we have met to talk about God, marriage, parenting, cooking, in-laws, husbands, the Bible, money, babies, teaching, parents - everything under the sun.  We have shopped, cooked, eaten, exercised, and even sat in the back of the resource room closet at church because that was the only room available.  I have been painfully honest about things I would have rather kept secret, and she has spoken truth to me when I really needed to hear it.  In short, God has used her to grow me, mature me, change me into the woman He wants me to be.  Not that I'm anywhere CLOSE to there yet.  But thanks to Jennifer's investment in me, I am certainly closer.

Definitely one of the best decisions of 2013.

Get FINANCIALLY Fit: Another Goal Down!

In November, we were able to cross another HUGE goal off our list:

1. Establish an emergency fund of $1000 CHECK
2. Pay off Loan #1 - car.  CHECK
3. Pay off Loan #2 - credit card. GOAL: Paid off by Christmas 2013 CHECK

CHECK CHECK CHECK!!!!

It was so exciting to hit SEND on that last payment.  After we did it, we both just looked at each other and grinned like idiots.  When we started, this loan felt MASSIVE, and we didn't think we'd have it paid off until March.  And now, it's gone!  ALL gone!  And the money we were putting toward that monthly is now going toward our next goal:

1. Establish an emergency fund of $1000 CHECK
2. Pay off Loan #1 - car.GOAL: Paid off by September 2013. CHECK
3. Pay off Loan #2 - credit card. GOAL: Paid off by Christmas 2013 CHECK
4. Pay off Loan #3 - other car. GOAL: Paid off by end of school year
5. Pay off Loan #4 - student loan.

The end of the school year, the end of the school year, the end of the school year.  We can do this!  It really is amazing to look back at this list and realize we've accomplished it all in only four months!  We are so thankful - and appropriately so, in this season of Thanksgiving - for this HUGE blessing!

Get FINANCIALLY Fit: Graduation :)

Today was graduation from our Financial Peace University class. 

When we started at the end of August, we had three credit cards (two were paid off, but we still had them open), two cars, and a student loan.  We also had a plan to save money.

And then we took this class and realized we were doing it ALL wrong.  We didn't need to save money, we needed to PAY BACK money!  And thus began our gazelle-intense journey to pay down our debt.  And the same for six other families.  Twelve weeks later:

This is SIX families.  SIX!  I am happy to say that $6,500 of that debt and two of those credit cards were ours!  It doesn't say how many cars were paid off, but if it did, ours would be up there!

Last night, Rick and I sat down and went over our goals again:

1. Establish an emergency fund of $1000 CHECK
2. Pay off Loan #1 - car.  CHECK
3. Pay off Loan #2 - credit card. GOAL: Paid off by Christmas 2013.
4. Pay off Loan #3 - other car.
5. Pay off Loan #4 - student loan.

We have only placed goals next to the loan we are currently working on in an effort to stay severely focused on the baby-step approach, but just for the heck of it, we mapped out what our debt-spending might look like if we kept this intensity up.  It was pretty exciting, and actually had us out of all non-mortgage debt much sooner than we originally anticipated.

And the REALLY great news is that we are going to have Loan #2 paid off by the end of November instead of December!  That means we jump an entire month ahead!  YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

As we celebrated our successes over breakfast with our class this morning, we all shared what was most significant about this experience.  It was neat to hear what everyone learned - things like how to shop for insurance, how to manage the debt snowball, how understand and communicate with your spouse about money, but my favorite moment was when my husband shared something like this:

We have always talked about money, struggled with money, tried to be responsible with money, but for the first time in our marriage, we have had a single, common financial goal that we are both 100% committed to, and it's working.  We are already seeing the results, and we have a plan.

This is our book, our diploma, and the $10 gift card we won!

In closing, if you have the opportunity to take this class, TAKE IT!  Even if you aren't struggling financially, I promise you you won't regret it.  You will learn something, even if feels more like marriage counseling than a finance class.  It costs to enroll, but we ended up taking the class for free, because the church reimburses all who graduate from the class at 50%, and Rick's work will reimburse all employees who take the class at 50%!  You really can't beat that.

Congrats to all our graduates!

Get FINANCIALLY Fit: Getting Started

This summer, my big focus was weight loss.  Check.  Now, our big focus is our finances.

To be honest, I'm a little lot uncomfortable blogging about money.  Even if you know me, (and depending on our level of friendship), it's unlikely I have talked to you about our money situation, other than the off-handed "we don't have any" sort of comment.  I sometimes feel more comfortable writing about something than I do talking about it, but in this case, both are equally uncomfortable.  How much money we have or don't have really isn't anyone else's business, and spouting it off can make the listener feel awkward.  In most cases, I would therefore decide not to discuss it.  However, one of the best things about blogging is accountability.  If I lay out a weight loss plan, say I'm going to stick to it, and then don't, I have just shown my entire readership (yes, all four of you) that I am full of hot air.  However, if I say I'm going to do it, I am constantly mindful of the fact that these four people know I said I was going to do it.

It's an accountability thing. That said, I am going to try to be as specifically vague as possible.

In a nutshell, our financial situation is this: we got married debt-free and lived that way for four years.  In the last three, we have added two cars, a house, a (third and fourth) college degree program, and (thanks to an unforeseen loss of income) a credit card.  Translation?  FIVE loans.

This is so depressing.  I hate thinking about how we went from completely self-sufficient to having FIVE loans in three short years.  Miraculously, our debt total is relatively low, especially considering the national averages.  (Have you looked at those?  They are scary.)  So in July, Rick and I sat down and mapped out a finance plan - a way to pay off our debt and save money.

And then we started Financial Peace University at church, and realized our plan, which we thought was so brilliant, was actually crap.  We scrapped it and went with Dave Ramsey's actual plan.  The bottom line is this:

Tell your money where to go instead of wondering where it went.

Sounds simple enough, right?  Um...wrong.  It's a TON of work.  It's sitting down EVERY WEEK, and some weeks more than once, and going through ALL of it.  It's tracking every single dollar that comes in and designating where it goes before it ever gets to you.  It is a RIDICULOUS amount of maintenance.  And discipline.

But we have a few things in our favor:

1. We aren't starting with that much debt, really.
2. I am the cheapest person alive.  Recently an acquaintance posted online asking for input on which diaper bag she should buy.  The cheapest one was $88 and the most expensive one was a Coach.  She was serious.  I can't imagine spending $88 on a bag.  I wanted to shake her shoulders and say "It's a BAG! Do you realize it's a bag? It's going to hold poopy clothes and bottles are going to spill in it and there will be cheerio-powder in the bottom.  YOU ARE CRAZY?!"  But then I remembered I am the cheapest person alive.  Maybe I'm the crazy one.
3. We don't spend money on stuff we don't need, and for the stuff we do need, we usually get it 2nd hand.  This is a fact that some people might try to keep on the DL, but not me.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE this.  Reduce, reuse, recycle applies to clothes, kitchen appliances, shoes, electronics, and pretty much everything else!
4. We are both committed to getting out of debt ASAP and beginning to build wealth.

We have only been in the class four weeks, but we have already crossed a few things off our list and set some goals:

1. Establish an emergency fund of $1000 We already had this in place, but I like to write things down on my to-do list even if I've already done them because it looks like I accomplished more.
2. Pay off Loan #1.  Yep!  We officially own my car as of this month!
3. Pay off Loan #5. GOAL: Paid off by Christmas 2013.

It's going to happen, people!

Get Fit: Reflection

In my last Get Fit post, I didn't list out my goals.  I said I would be devoting an entire post to them.  But really, it's a reflection post, not a goal post.  Sorry.

In 15 weeks, I have:

• Lost 39.9 lbs, dropping from a 185.5 to my current 145.6
• Gone from double digits (size 14) to single digits (size 8)
• Developed muscle mass and tone, particularly in my quadriceps, upper arms, and obliques
• Gotten myself as "in shape" as I have ever been
• Weighed the least I have ever weighed as an adult
• Turned heads :)

Here are pictures of the process:

At my cousin's wedding on May 25th - the weekend before I started.  Approximately 185.5 lbs (though I didn't actually weigh myself until a few weeks later, so maybe even heavier!)

May 31st - started that week

June 8th

June 24th

June 29th...not a great picture...

July 4th

July 17th

July 26th

August 3rd

August 17th - Rick made me buy these pants because he loves bright colors. I bought them because they were 8s - my first official pair of 8s!

As I gathered these, I realized it would have been AWESOME to take baby bump pictures and watch the REVERSE happen!  Ah, well.  Woulda coulda shoulda.  Also realized I don't have any pictures of myself in about a month.  I actually look skinnier than this last picture!

I am beyond thrilled with the fruits of my labors.  I look better, I am healthier, I feel better.  And it's starting to rub off on my son, too. He has taken to saying, "Mommy, what are we going to have for lunch? How about I have peanut butter and jelly and you have a salad?" or "Mommy, are you going to yoga?" or "No, Mommy, not another walk!"  I love it. :)

So as I prepare to wrap up this 15 week session of my life (though technically I have .6 lbs left to lose), I am looking back, thankful for the experience.  I have learned a ton of great stuff, and I will be unpacking it in future posts, and really, probably for a long, long time.  The experience is pretty rich.  And as I move forward (to maintenance...yikes!), I want to keep my new-found knowledge of exercise, nutrition, and discipline in the forefront of my mind.  I want to tuck this experience into a safe place in my head and heart, ready to revisit it often, and reminding myself of Proverbs 15:32: "Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who heeds correction gains understanding."

Get Fit: Week 12

Exercise: I yogaed four times this week - Monday and Wednesday and then both days over the weekend.  I ditched my normal Friday because we went to KC to see the Royals game.  I did 14.9 miles (which, if I had realized, I would have done at least another tenth of a mile and made it an even 15), including my first official "run."  Yep, that's right - I ran 1.3 miles.  That is HUGE for me.  I don't run, folks, mainly because it hurts and I hate it. And I can't breathe.  The ONLY upside (and the reason I did it) is that it takes less time.  So all in all, a pretty successful week activity-wise...though I would have loved to have had that Friday yoga date.

Diet: I definitely had my moments this week.  I started off trying to take pictures of everything I was eating...and then I forgot a few times...and then I just fell off the wagon entirely.  But BEFORE I did, here are a few shots of my meals:

Quinoa salad (I made it for a potluck and had a lot left over, so I pretty much ate this all week)

Mmmmmmmmm grapes. And they have been on great sales at Aldi lately!

Quinoa salad, 1 c cucumber soup, banana

Treated myself to a fruit smoothie at Juice Stop.  I miss the days when my son didn't know what I was getting...

1 c black bean soup, quinoa salad

1 banana muffin (ate the 1st half for breakfast and the other for lunch)

This was a bit of a cheat, but it was delicious and not that bad for bread!  Jo Marie sent me the recipe - find it here.  I made it for my kids at school and they loved them.  Said you totally couldn't tell they were healthy. :)

My go-to this week

This has been one of my go-tos for breakfast, mainly because it's quick, easy, and has sticking power.  I am not a fan of rasins by themselves, but have found that I really do like them when combined with other things, like almonds.  I really didn't know much about rasins and their nutritional value.  They seemed "clean" according to the contents, so I did a bit of research.  I found this article which states that drying foods simply compounds the contents of that fruit.  In the case of grapes/raisins, the antioxidant count increases, but so does the sugar and calories :/ Might be a good snack for maintenance, but I should probably lose the rasins until then.

Of course I sampled the batter of the muffins, but other than that I was pretty good on the diet this week.  

Week 12 Goal Review:  

• ROCK SOLID on the diet.  I don't know that I can cross this off.  Technically, rock solid on the diet would have been much more in the way of leafy greens.
• Keep a log of what I eat.  I tried.  Too much maintenance for me.
• Yoga four times.  Done
• Walk 12 miles. 14.9  

Breakthroughs:

• Hmm...I really can't think of any.  It's been a pretty hectic week, to be honest.  I am impressed that I was able to exercise as much as I was.  It's going to get really difficult to do all of this when it starts getting cold. :(
• Weigh In:  147.8 - and I'm actually happy with this.  I am sick of these last few pounds, but right now, I am too busy to be thinking about dieting.  I have five million things on my plate with school, my family, my house, etc.  I'll take it the pound.
• Total weight loss so far: 37.7
• Just 2.8 lbs to go! 

Week 13 Goals:

• Take
• a
• break. 

I am tired.  I've been eating like this since May.  I've been exercising like this since May.  I am now two weeks into school, and I am stinking tired.  My husband leaves tomorrow morning at 5 AM for the airport and won't get home until Friday evening.  I am tired.  Instead of stressing about meal prep, whether I'm going to get my mileage in, how often I can get to the studio for yoga, whether the scale is going to go up or down - I am just going to RELAX.  And trust me, by "relax," I mean keep the craziness to the job, house, and kiddos.  A trusted mentor - someone who understands my need to follow rules - told me just this morning "Take the week off.  Or heck - take the next two or three weeks off.  You look great.  You've worked hard.  So you're three pounds away - big deal?  They will still be there in three weeks."  Oh how I needed to hear this counsel.

A break I will take.  See you again...sometime!