I Will Carry You
by Angie Smith
Length: 224
Format: Paperback
Price: $1 at a garage sale
How I heard about it: I attended a conference a few years ago where the author was the keynote speaker.
Basic Premise: Angie Smith and her husband Todd were eagerly anticipating the birth of their daughter when a routine sonogram went horribly wrong. Told that their daughter was "incompatible with life," the two pressed forward knowing that, while Their God was capable of working a miracle, He might not.
I'm not going to write a review of this book. It didn't even feel like a book in my hands. It felt like I stepped out of my life and into theirs for the three straight hours it took me to read it cover to cover. I hope it's not irreverent to say that, because of course I have no idea what it is like to be where they are.
I feel like I know Angie a little. I heard her speak (powerfully) at a conference, I follow her on Facebook and Instagram, and I am currently on my third trip through her Seamless study. Additionally, I saw her husband Todd, lead singer of the musical group Selah, perform WAAAAAAY back in 1998 in Colorado. He sang "It Is Well with My Soul" a cappella, and I remember thinking, I will never hear anyone sing this beautifully ever again this side of heaven. It was truly the most amazing thing ever. What talent. So, between all these things, I feel like I can trust them. Like I know them.
The story was told beautifully, gracefully, and honestly. They were told she wouldn't make it and advised to terminate the pregnancy. Everywhere they went, the faces of the medical professionals they encountered were grave, stricken, often teary. They knew the prognosis was not good; impossible. But they also new they served a God who specialized in impossibility. Their hope was in Him, not in doctors. This part resonated with me.
With both my pregnancies, I was told my babies had problems. With Brother, we were told at 18 weeks that he was missing a strand of his umbilical cord. This could be inconsequential, or he could die. I remember Googling the condition incessantly (which I do not recommend) and lying on my bed crying and wailing because this could not be happening to my sweet son. I remember the week between getting this news and the Level 2 sonogram with the specialist as the longest of my life (to that point). My mother prayed ardently for a miracle and I did too, but I was angry. When the doctor pronounced him "perfect in every way," I cried immediately and for the duration of the drive home from Kansas City.
Sister was harder. At 30 weeks, something was seriously wrong. My fluid level was below the safety zone and I was sent to labor and delivery after what was supposed to be a routine sonogram. I was admitted and kept for 5 days while the doctors tried to figure out why my fluid level was so inexplicably low. A neonatal surgeon came in to explain to me what would happen in the now-likely event I needed to deliver early. After 4 weeks of bedrest, it was determined that the womb was no longer a safe place for our baby, so they delivered her six weeks early. She was to spend the longest 19 days of our lives in the hospital hooked up to all sorts of machines. Her lungs were too small, heart beat too fast and then not fast enough, she couldn't eat, she couldn't regulate her body temperature, there was a spot on her brain - so much more.
But the difference for me was that my babies are fine. It was ultimately easy to trust God, because things worked out the way I wanted. And this is where my ability to identify with Angie and Todd fades, because their story didn't go as they would have written it.
I probably cried for 40% of this book. I cried out of compassion and sympathy, but also out of awe at their faith. Angie writes that she found comfort in the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, and though I have literally read or heard this story 100 times before, she made one note that floored me.
One of the most popular verses in Scripture is John 11:35 "Jesus wept." I can recall this from memory because it is discussed often in church-y circles. The boys in my youth group loved to recall this as their "favorite verse" because it was short and they actually had it memorized. I knew the context, and knew that Jesus was weeping because his friend Lazarus had died. But here's what I never realized: Jesus knew what was going to happen. He knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. His tears were not for Lazarus. They were for Mary and Martha. He felt their pain and suffering as if it were His. And He longs to grieve alongside us if we will only turn to Him.
How many times have I done the opposite in the face of hardship? I get angry and selfish and question His goodness. (Although, God knows I have never dealt with anything that can even hold a candle to this.) He longs to not only bear my burdens for me, but bear ME. Carry me. Why don't I let Him?
I will end with one final piece of beauty from this book. I just finished The Hiding Place, and I highlighted a passage I loved. Corrie is a young girl and she has just asked her father a question she doesn't understand. It that reads like this:
He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifting his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
"Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said.
I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
"It's too heavy," I said.
"Yes," he said. "And I would be a pretty poor father who would ask his daughter to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you an bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you."
And I was satisfied. More than satisfied - wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions - for now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping.
I have shared this passage with several people since reading it, because it made an impression - something I can share with my children, but also, something I can claim when I stumble upon mysteries of God and this world that I just can't reconcile. I can leave them in My Father's keeping, because He is wise and good and He can bear the weight.
Near the end of the book, when Angie was trying to explain to her children what had happened to their sister, she quotes this exact passage. Because though she can't understand it, she trusts the Father Who does.
What a Mighty God we serve.
